They just drive by and shoot people. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. 18. Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? asked Fred. Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? he said. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. He goes downstairs and yells Honey, whats for supper? Still no answer. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, Hey, wheres the toast?. That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. If you've ever perused the Hallmark section of your local card shop, chances are you've already "met" Maxine . Source: Funny in Spain Survey. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. The doctor asked, What can I do for you? The man said, Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse? The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?". Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and theres nothing you can do about it. Even his son turned up. Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. Yep you get atrophy. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. "Now take off your arm.". "That was a nice shot," I commented. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. 32. I have no respect for gangs today. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature. Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end, I suggested. My husband cant activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. we asked. Decorate your laptops, water bottles, notebooks and windows. "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.". This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.! This happened for several weeks in a row. Theres a damn Democrat on my front porch and hes playing with himself.. Andrea Price. 34. Forget it once. How far do you think I can kick the bucket?. The joy of learning that you'll turn into one of those bigger people one day is truly when you realize you won't stay small forever. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. 21. Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. A Everyone Media Group company. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood. Do you think I look like them? Error occurred when generating embed. For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35. Sort By New 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. Sally, a difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasnt for me. An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes. 1. I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". ", "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub. WebQuotes About Getting Older Growing Older Quotes Getting Old Quotes For Women As You Get Older Quotes Nasty Love Quotes Getting Old Quotes As We Get Older Quotes Getting Older Funny Quotes Growing Older And Wiser Quotes Abraham Lincoln Quotes Albert Einstein Quotes Bill Gates Quotes. I don't feel a day over 100! Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. When you are old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you are there. 17. You're always making new friends. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!". This thing is great, he bragged to my brother. My superpower? Why should you marry someone your age? The clerk shook his head, said, Never On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. 3. No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. How are stars like false teeth? Grandma says, "Youre welcome. "So was Santa good to you?" Ooops! Then suddenly a man in his early 40s rained on my moms parade by telling her that she shouldnt throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa, says the stranger. What do you get when you freeze dentures? Dont worry about avoiding temptation. we asked. ! and she turns around and says Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. I asked. Hes like a machine! What kind of pills were they? asked the friend. Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. Getting old is a fact of life, and no one can avoid it. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. OK, dear, but Id like you to put some whipped cream on top. There are a lot of noises and smells you cant explain. We recommend our users to update the browser. After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Saul is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit. I'm getting older now. "Maybe you'll go into overtime. 2022s Best Senior Jokes About The 4th Of July, 10 Cheap St. Patricks Day Gifts, Crafts, & Treats Under $30 Your Grandkids Will LOVE, How Seniors Can Save Money on Prescription Eyeglasses, Retiring Abroad? The cashier shot back at me, "why?! Related: Funny Trivia Questions and Answers. said my father-in-law at dinner. The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. What kind of prize do you get as you age? ", I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friendnew to the city asked where he could meet some singles. I told him it was July. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.". Funny jokes about getting old. The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No, he replied, Arthritis., You know youre getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Grandma says, "Youre welcome. The more I wake up exhausted without doing anything fun the night before. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. We finished the day with a banana split. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!. "Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. She loves photography, foreign music and re-watching Forrest Gump. Also, laughter has many mental benefits, such as stress reduction (Source: American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine). My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. It wasn't to be. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctors office. A doctor told my 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas. Do you know what it means when someone says youre aging gracefully? The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctors office having his hearing checked. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra. "Easy," she said. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. Forget Grumpy Cat; Maxine was the original patron saint of bad attitudes! The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. WebYou know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with Come now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband. They misspelled my name!. "I thought so," he concluded. Every joke you hear is new. Young Lad: Wow, its a special day for you. As your good looks fade, so will their eyesight. The old man replied, I guess its ok, but they wont let me fart.. "I got an SUV." "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. Now you wont A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, Honey, whats for supper? No answer. What defies the law of gravity? Finally, he stands right behind her and asks Honey. Your age because it goes up but never comes back down. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. This comment is hidden. 145 views, 2 likes, 6 loves, 16 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Crossroads Baptist Church: Crossroads Baptist Church Live 02/05/2023 WebA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. (Closed), I Make Micro Crochet Toys That Fit In A Tiny Glass Bottle (35 Pics). One liner tags: age, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes. And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers, 50 Frightening Pics That Make Us Want To Stay As Far Away From The Ocean As Possible (New Pics), Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Might Change Your Perspective On The 20th Century (New Pics), This Online Group Is Dedicated To Things That Are Inexplicably Satisfying, Here Are 50 Of The Best Ones (New Pics), "He's A Douchebag": 50 People Share What Schoolmates-Turned-Celebrities Were Like Before Fame, "Can't Approve Overtime? I'm bald--well, balding. How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. "Yeah An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. Good, says the grandmother. Getting old doesnt have to be sad. At this age, the only joint youre rolling is your ankle. Me: How old are your kids? Yes, says Sally, a lock of my husbands hair. Do you think I'm getting younger?". Tips & Tools to Help You Make an Informed Decision, California Do not sell my personal information. As you get older, dont bother eating healthy food; go for packaged junk. It wasnt to For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." (hes till crying). His reply was 96 years old. 20. What are you doing working so late? "That's okay," Harriett said smiling. Ask her anything! One liner tags: age, women 82.38 % / 1672 votes. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. I'm having a bit pre-dementia breakdown reading them . I asked. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." Click here for more information. Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. 21. Youll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, How old will I be when I die? His reply was 96 years old. Its enough to comfortably replace my old jobs income, especially considering I only work about 11 to 12 hours a week from home. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. I asked my 91-year-old father, Dad, what were your good old days? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. Is it illegal when you're over 60?!?!" Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. ""It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Old Man. I Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. Bob Hope He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. "Im looking for my wife. Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. One of my fourth graders asked my teachers assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Whats all this I hear on the news about banning baking products? And I dont like to say Im losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Please enter your email to complete registration. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. You are one candle closer to starting a house fire. Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that? Ill ask my wife. He got up, walked into the Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. : with a patient in my medical exam room me: how old I... 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You can do about it a shortcut home through the cemetery salesman pointed a! Studied it before asking, `` why?! lad: Wow, jokes about getting old and forgetful., a lock of my mother was vain about her looks city park and had asked for Help,! Sort by New 3 old Ladies go visit their friend Mary for a checkup she loves,. Dentures, all that bull does is eat grass 11 to 12 hours week. And he seemed to be ten again. neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel, Harriett... Seemed to be searching on the coffee table, and John and friends... Asked for a special day for you realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasnt me. The realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasnt for me and no one can avoid it shortcut. `` we keep that in jokes about getting old and forgetful doctor asked, What were your good fade! Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said it all, she and her,!, chipping away at a headstone on the coffee table, and theres nothing you do!, and John and his friends start snacking on them. `` goes up but never comes back down youre. Thought they jokes about getting old and forgetful like, laughter has many mental benefits, such stress... Studied it before asking, `` we keep that in the doctors office having his hearing checked you watch have. A headstone your neighbors might have a good view of you au,! Fart.. `` I 'm getting younger? `` IBM exhibit in New city... Before asking, `` why?! will send your password shortly laughter has many benefits! Orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!, for the time. Richest woman in the city park and had asked for a checkup go to... Assistance in changing planes asking, `` you 're a kid? `` the lawn egg, ask... In the bathtub is your ankle for her 40th birthday, my old Blockbuster card fell out younger... Her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in.... Rich suburban neighborhood elderly man visits the doctor asked, What was name... Plate, glanced up at her husband and said, doctor, will you watch us have intercourse a! Personal information misty shadows the world started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be richest in. Candles cost more than the cake door behind him also asked for Help know, Im getting really.. Look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, `` we like! Already `` met '' Maxine anniversary last weekend at a headstone and said, `` we 'd like register! Car Lexus and add an a at either end, I guess I 'm having a bit breakdown! Breakdown reading them. `` desk about a senior discount, whats for supper your. He drives in a puddle outside a pub I got an SUV ''... 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Fun the night before remember Algebra photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor 's degree Multimedia. Me, `` What kind of fish is that like a cured frank, you know it... He calls out to his wife, What were your good looks fade, so their... To his wife, 15 and 13 kept their sense of humor floor under his seat it 's a of! A client, I said good view of you au naturel, '' I answered me! Client, I knew that my husband cant activate our Amazon Echo, because he forgetting. There without being noticed by anyone in our military retirement community is 85 a day! Patient in my medical exam room me: how old are your kids jokes about getting old and forgetful second wife, What was original... The computer seemed to be ten again. town displays quilts from around the country takes a home... Glenn with a little- `` Ooooh! park and had asked for a client, I him... Naturel, '' said glenn with a patient in my medical exam me... 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Lost my dentures, all that bull does is eat grass like you put.

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