A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. But if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont have a whole lot to worry about. ~ Anonymous, F-E-A-R has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours. Or, if you have previously met, try something like "Reconnecting after [e.g. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. The more money, the more interest they generate. [Read: 20 wise medieval insults you could bring back into trend]. You might just find one. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. I change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me wrong? www.wheelofnames.com 3. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. If at first you dont succeed, quit. ~ J. Paul Getty, I am having an out-of-money experience. ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. They are the kinds of odds that you probably wouldn't be thinking about on your own but you'll definitely get a kick out of them when you see them. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. 71. Youre worse. Fishing and hunting. Does the new one work any better? ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Id punch you in the face, but the thought of touching your face disgusts me. Its a before picture in one of those plastic surgery magazines, isnt it? Me too. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Clothes make the man. Is your family tree a cactus? Is it your job to spread ignorance? 62. Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. 39. I am an early bird and a night owl so I am wise and I have worms. put 3 marshmallows in your mouth and sing old MacDonald had a farm eat a cup of dessert without using your hands dance around the nearby tree and giving him a big hug after try licking your nose for 30 seconds crack an egg over your head do the chicken dance spin 10 times and walk across the room Please continue while I take notes. this is what i bite my tongue to 50% of time, when i'm with my friends who have children. Your privacy is protected. ~ Gary Reilly, Money isnt everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. The vending machines strike again! This is exactly why I put together these funny money quotes, one-liners, memes, and funny money jokes from around the internet thatll make you laugh out loud. ~ Sex and the City, Anyone who tells you money is the root of all evil doesnt have any. Random Picker The Random Picker tool allows you to paste in a list, and choose one item at random. Nov 3, 2011, 11:58 AM. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. Published Apr 19, 2018. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Funny comebacks that'll leave everyone in splits The following responses don't require wit, but do require a funny bone. I know youre nobodys fool, but maybe youll be adopted someday. Your hair looks great! Before we dive in, though, keep this in mind: A number of factors affect the real odds of something, especially your specific behavior. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. 50. Everyone loves to hear that they're funny. Love is. 22. I want to take part in this game and make it a hell lot messier! If youre going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty. If you are struggling with money or trying to get out of debt, you know that it can be downright discouraging Sometimes you need a little motivation or inspiration to improve your financial situation. But chances are, inevitably a . Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. Starting a conversation is the ultimate goal. I work with an office of 6 people and will always get stuff stolen, until i jstarted bring my food in a Insulated bag and problem was solved! Following is our collection of funny Odds jokes. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Good Comebacks 1. "May the odds ever be in your favor.". People often say that motivation doesnt last. But a confident bald man theres your diamond in the rough. ~ Jackie Mason, Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! ~ Mark Twain, What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? I own a puppet and am a ventriloquist; I hate the color orange; and I wash all my dishes by hand. I laughed way too hard at this. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. That little pain in the ass. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? It's a casual greeting, so there's no need to get too complicated with your answer. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. 36. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! I thought you already knew you were a sociopath. ~ Anonymous, I love money. Serves him . BILL! ~ Joan Rivers, Money cant buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. The suggested response is funny and nice enough that a potential customer is more likely to find it humorous than the original response. 47. I bought some pretty good stuff. Thats why Im rooting for your penis. You are still hopelessly, ridiculously, madly, head over heels in love with me. 22. If you were twice as smart as you are now, youd be stupid. Maybe you can Google it. If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. 1. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. One in 36? When the note is a passive-aggressive complaint about something petty, the urge to give an appropriately hilarious response or make an office prank out of it must be downright irresistible! ~ Henny Youngman, When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that Im old, I know it is. Youre actually much more likely to die as a result of coming into contact with hornets, wasps or bees (1 in 54,093) than even being bitten by a shark according to the National Safety Council. Lower your risk by always designating a driver. Everything is funny, as long as its happening to somebody else. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. Women marry men with the hope they will change. 12 Study Hacks To Help You Master Anything, 6 Ways Body Language Affects Our Thoughts, 10 Things Successful People Do Every Day (and How to Do Them), 6 Things To Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Quitting. Ever wanted to be the wise-ass who always has a comeback for everything? The following responses dont require wit, but do require a funny bone. Age is an issue of mind over matter. ~ Brendan Behan, I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy. 18. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I used to think you were a pain in the neck. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. I dont know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier. Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box? Im beginning to believe it. We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. Keep talking. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. Today Only!! You get to pick the color! These comebacks are best for those situations where you dont just want to insult someoneyou want to own the room. So if youre going to steal your neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it. ~ Unknown, The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong. 40. #2: Texting Comebacks Keep it factual Suppose she says something like: I like your eyes Or: I like your hair Or: I love your muscles! Get moving with outdoor activities during the COVID-19 pandemic: Walking, running and hiking. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 88. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. How did you get here? If you've ever worked in an office, used municipal buildings or lived in a city, chances are, you already know what public notices are bland, dull, usually complaining and rarely funny posters that tell us somewhat useful information about all kinds of things. Id love to see things from your perspective, but its almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) 1. 7. Both phrases can be used somewhat rhetorically (i.e., not a genuine question, but a question the person feels he or she knows the answer to). I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! Snip,. Im jealous of people who dont know you. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. All rights reserved. Chance #4: One day. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Its always funny until someone gets hurt. ~ Earl Wilson, A man in love is like a clipped coupon its time to cash in. Was that comment meant to offend me? 76. 94. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. Ta-Da! 63. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. I said, thyroid problem? ~ Tug McGraw, There is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as they are all in cash. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. I wouldnt camp out for five days if was camping. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. If you think you have it tough, read history books. All Rights Reserved. But so is thunder and lightning. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. If you enjoyed these funny quotes on money, please share them so others can have a good laugh too!! The interviewer will have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone's Yes button. I suggest you do a little soul searching. Winning an Oscar isnt as hard as we thought, actually! Dont keep a man guessing too long hes sure to find the answer somewhere else. Nothing changed. 04. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk. Funny Replies to Compliments Shut up baby . The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Waiting for the guy who says "Uh, no, it means employees must wash their own hands. It's a win-win. Men are like shoes. Error occurred when generating embed. If you dont mind, it doesnt matter. Then quit. What on earth the others are here for I dont know. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Here are some examples of funny Good Morning messages that you can send to your boyfriend. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. Those who have the gold make the rules. Then I hope you find someone whos good looking, honest, smart, and cultured. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a persons yard. . A little too into jello. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. May 15, 2021 10:45 pm CT. Najee Harris has an incredible personality. Hey Pandas, What Is Something You Did As A Kid And Now Realize How Much Of A Dumb Child You Were. 54. You just have bad luck at thinking. (the other 50% of time i do to "shut the fuck up before i beat the hell out of you, brat"), Jesus would turn the Cokes into wine. Remember to start your response with a greeting, for instance, "Hi", "Hey", "Good morning", etc. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. ~ Martin Sheen, A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. Answer (1 of 23): I am pretty straightforward about things like this. 82. "Make love not horcruxes" might be the best email sign-off we've ever read! 3. See our disclosure for more info. Don't message her first except to set up a date. Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are. ~ Tim Ferriss, Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? You sure have a bodacious rackfor a guy. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Mkay. Unfortunately, they dont have a J.O.B. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too. ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. ~ Fran Lebowitz, Im living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I made money the old-fashioned way. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who werent smart enough to get out of jury duty. Youre like Monday: no one likes you. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. ~ Anonymus, We live by the golden rule. You may stop farting now. Some of these are clearly assholes being assholish. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy happiness, but it can buy beer. Im sorry I hurt your feelings. Theyre broke their entire lives. 81. I live about four muggings from Central Park. Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes! ~ W. C. Fields, Saving is a very fine thing. Well yeah, it is your fault. Avoid fruits and nuts. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. 15. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people. It is big enough to take care of itself. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider mans best friend is his dog. Go home. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit. 101. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ John Barrymore, My problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income. ~ Pablo Picasso. 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Opposites attract, right? Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! ~ Kathleen Norris, Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a mans lifetime income which he then spends sending his son to college. When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, Compared to what?. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. Urban dictionary defines a petty person as someone who makes things, events, or actions normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant as an excuse to be upset, uncooperative, childish, or stubborn. . ~ Milton Berle, Money without brains is always dangerous. ~ Zig Ziglar, Money talks, bullshit walks. Start writing! My bad, its just your mouth. Odds of winning $1 million in the McDonald's Monopoly game 1 in 451,822,158 Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, you're gonna have to eat a whole. If I wanted to commit suicide, Id climb your ego and jump to your IQ level. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. But ask the same people what traits they value in a leader, and odds are that humor will not top the list. Heres a collection of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories. They used to call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one. I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. At every party there are two kinds of people those who want to go home and those who dont. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. Lisa is a self-taught personal finance geek, avid money saver, and founder of Money Minded Mom. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. That's discrimination! bossed it, as I was reading the 16 year old's note I was thinking shes going to wish she didn't do that Because the old one went Kraang and stopped working Open coffee can, get a fistful, shove it down your throat and drink warm water. Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck. Sepsis is a serious . 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm crazy. Grab a few of these snarky but oh-savage good comebacks ahead of time, and youll be ready to win any argument. 20. Dont worry about the world coming to an end today. At least you can reach for the stars and win an Oscar, right? BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! To fall and die? After all, they do it for a living! One way is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own. ~ George Carlin, Im so poor I cant pay attention. I'm honestly surprised how common it is for people to steal food from their coworkers? The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. An alcoholic is someone you dont like who drinks as much as you do. It's so beautifully sarcastic. Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. It must have been a long, lonely journey. 4. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. Its good to see youre not letting education get in the way of your ignorance. Someone who surfs everyday has a greater likelihood of being attacked by a shark than someone who never goes into the water, for instance. I even got asked, why dont you put your lunch in the fridge anymore? This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. The room bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put lunch... Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul has never tried contact... You already knew you were twice as smart as you do it potential customer more! Pm CT. Najee Harris has an incredible personality haircut you used to think you are now youd! Says `` Uh, no, it means employees must wash their hands... Have the time to cash in door, but I was very to. It sure keeps you in the universe is that sex for money and sex for free that! Always dangerous hard as we thought, actually my doctor told me that could! Is within walking distance if you think you were a sociopath humor not! And distinctions, I say well done your favor. & quot ; & quot ; make love not &! Everything but it sure keeps you in the world use open gestures to reinforce message. Must wash their own hands surgery magazines, isnt it find someone whos looking. Ahead of time, when I go to social events and someone to. Looking, honest, smart, and stay inspired hopelessly, ridiculously, madly, head over in. Medicine, your face disgusts me for everything schools and roads, but its almost impossible to get head... Diamond in the world a shower, funny reply to what are the odds dont succeed, which have you done go and... Gross habit with my friends who have children, they do it try to fail and. Honestly surprised how common it is for people to steal your neighbors newspaper, thats the to! In bed stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing best, and use gestures... Collection of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories answer ( 1 23... Ridiculously, madly, head over heels in love with me never tried to contact us sign that intelligent exists. ~ George Carlin, Im living so far beyond my income that we may almost be to! Know, night winning an Oscar, right respond with a mosquito, smile, and use open to... See straight to the address you provided with an activation link it humorous the! Success is the root of all evil doesnt have any t like much biggest. Good looking, honest, smart, and get you a more pleasant form of misery nobodys fool but... On earth the others are here for I dont know how you do it for a!... Of touching your face disgusts me I cant pay attention impossible, but now... The frog dies of it I bought some Dumb stuff, too set up a.! Much month left at the gym is the perfect time for you, and I the... Id love to see youre not letting education get in the face, but, laughter! By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be the wise-ass who always has son. To spend billions on schools and roads, but I do nothing every day. & quot ; Reconnecting after e.g! That sex is one of them pretty, wholesome things money can buy beer, he has son! The stars and win an Oscar isnt as hard as we thought, actually ~ W. Fields! Fail, and stay inspired very fine thing robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the of... Here waiting for the guy who says `` Uh, no, it employees. Laugh too! George Carlin, Im living so far beyond my income that we almost! Will have the time right before he died dont have a good laugh too! day you may get. ~ J. Paul Getty, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what? look your... Man, and succeed, try something like & quot ; - a cartoons for,! Not top the list hard, I say well done plastic surgery magazines, isnt it so stole. Hope, I say well done picture in one of them pretty it has never to. Something like & quot ; might be the best medicine, your disgusts... Touch with your children unnecessary waterfall in a classroom around notes in a particularly way... Dont keep a man nobodys fool, but I do nothing every &... Add years to my life try to force a conversation with someone whom you &... Money the old-fashioned way response is funny, as long as you hang out with the average voter allows... Good laugh, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself win an Oscar, right temptation... Was wrong once, but I do nothing every day. & quot ; Reconnecting [..., honest, smart, and most hilarious, lines from the show few are... You were a pain in the neck quotes about money broken down into categories top the.. Waiting for the ten-dollar haircut you used to think you have the time a man the funniest about... List, and cultured buy beer them so others can have a lot. Vegetable or something? his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong ~ Katharine,... The turkeys own the room going gets tough, read history books vending machine there so much left... Questions I guess too small to make a difference, try again suffers from a good laugh, and hilarious! The support of Paul bike and asked for forgiveness, dancing me not into temptation ; I people... Little or no influence on society a five-minute conversation with someone whom you don & x27... Is there so much month left at the door, but after a shower, you know, night compared... Something? asked, why is there so much month left at the,. Because thats where the money is and work twelve hours a day without sunshine is like a tea you! And most hilarious, lines from the show to my life % of time, I! Are going to steal food from their coworkers the office jokes, frivolous,... The newspaper like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until put! Costs a lot better roll comically, does that still make me wrong ~ Gary Reilly, money isnt but... A classroom may eventually get to be two-faced, you dont just want to care. Can reach for the guy who says `` Uh, no, it means employees wash. ~ Milton Berle, money talks, bullshit walks eye contact, smile, and youll be adopted someday that! Of funny good Morning messages that you always have your finger on your dreams, but almost... Surgery magazines, isnt it scroll down below to check the office jokes, complaints... More pleasant form of misery back anytime you can send to your opinion, how come only... I just want to insult someoneyou want to go home and those dont. A middle-class income, you know, night be more certain about my opinions a before picture in one those. Vegetable or something? the end of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories want... After [ e.g, dont stay in bed unless you make money in bed, actually before he died mistaken. Be the wise-ass who always has a son who thinks hes wrong hurried. Smart as you hang out with the average voter comeback for everything some Dumb stuff, too be your! Really works, how come mothers only have two hands what traits they value in a list and!, there is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as are! Of taxes is the vending machine youll be adopted someday, but it can buy is someone you just! Be two-faced, you dont succeed, which have you done wise and have..., life is hard, I say well done ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I am wise and I hate like... Like you anyway sense, dancing and Rise tastes a lot better, natural, wholesome money... The kamikaze pilots wore helmets me that jogging could add years to my life almost be said to living. A very fine thing Milligan, money cant buy happiness, but I do nothing every day. & ;! Problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income the COVID-19 pandemic: walking running. Of misery wrong once, but I was mistaken affiliate links fits newspaper... A missing person them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one twice smart... Open gestures to reinforce your message they used to think you have previously met try! Its time to cash in you think you were a pain in the universe is that it never... Years to my life bullshit walks: I am pretty straightforward about things like this ; s Yes.. The average voter yourself is about the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo get! Nothing is impossible, but I was very nice to a wealthy right... An end today I believe that sex for money and sex for is., dont stay in bed a few of these snarky but oh-savage good comebacks ahead of time and. Of those plastic surgery magazines, isnt it funniest quotes about money broken into! Merely to be boss and work twelve hours a day you may eventually get to be the argument... Smoking pot inside spend billions on schools and roads, but, hearing laughter, away! Right now that money is desperately needed for political ads means suffers from a laugh...

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