So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. Depression. I can go one better! Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. My ex did this. Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. The author begins by explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he's been with for some time. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Most girls take at least an hour, and then they are more than happy to make their man wait for them. What causes these fights in the first place? The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). Sometimes we are in love with the idea of the person and it makes you so angry that they are not that person. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). Examine your behavior. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. Id run away and never read Captain Awkward again, probably, with my Jerkbrain cackling in the background gleefully. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. At all. Can you help me strategize ways to respond? This is an ongoing issue, and you have an ongoing resource at your disposal to work on it. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. And Ive gotten better about listening. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? That's the last thing you should do. Giving me grief for not doing the other 25 letters is NOT HELPING. His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Think hard and make plans. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. He wants all the security of a relationship thats already there, the inertia that he hopes will keep the two of you together, so he doesnt have to put forth the effort and pain and anxiety of finding a new person. Is there anything you need to bring up?" Not good. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. When I struggle with depression, I am fighting back against the numbness that settles over my body and mind standing up for yourself and your own care is such a wonderful and inspiring thing, wishing you all the best! Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. Its okay to leave. The thing to watch for is a change in how they behave. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Seconded! He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Which is precisely what he sounds like. Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. This has gotten him in trouble a few times. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. My jaded self is all "Flee! This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? ' with the response You figured it out!. They do sound like exactly what Id say, though, if I were the type to try and manipulate my partner into getting thinner and doing all the housework. And when everything was totalled up the answer was no. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. Not. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. 1. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? The world outside of math isnt like that. Because Reasons? Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. If he is unhappy in the relationship, this makes him less inclined to make an effort. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Getting up in my business, ever, unless it is shared business (Did you pay that bill?) or I have specifically asked him to (and I quit doing this b/c he doesnt really like it, its one more damn thing on his to-do list basically.) And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. The goalposts will keep moving. Its a bit like regaining your sense of smell after a bad cold: not the sign that youre fully healed, but you are going to be ok. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. He was scared, I was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and neither of us knew what was going on or what to do. Value to him also includes your offering of feminine energy and responsiveness, your surrender to connection moment by moment (which helps deepen your connection and renew his deep attachment to you). I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. . Run. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). He got that. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. He picked being my boyfriend and shut the hell up when we were in the gym. . I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. Hell yeah! My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. I am so mad at you for having cancer! See the problem? If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. And really, your joy is important. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Doesnt mean partners have to stay, or even should stay. If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. 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